Barack Obama - The Real Man Magazine Interview

In this Oval Office interview, the President discusses his pathetic throws, the girlie men in the media, and his sexual…well you’re just going to have to read it.

By Franklin Pierce

It was a warm summer day in the Nation’s capital. Urine and garbage from the beneficiaries of decades of failed liberal policies were in the streets, overpaid Federal workers were sloughing off at their desks, and man-love was in the air. Me and my lovely assistant Stephen were escorted into the Oval Office by Danny, an equally attractive and feminine specimen of a ‘man’, who gave us a Latte and a stimulating wink as he sashayed out of the room in his tight designer jeans. When the President strutted into the room like the grand peacock at a gay pride parade, I fell onto the floor, crawled over to his shoes, and started licking for all I was worth…

NOT! Gotcha! No, this isn’t your usual kiss-ass, love-fest, man-crush interview that you usually get from the girlie-man media. (see Rolling Stone, GQ, Details, Men’s Vogue, Men’s Health and similarly testosterone-challenged publications. There are no gayer magazines than these. If you read these, you really should re-evaluate your manhood. And for all of you politically correct morons out there looking for some reason to get your pink panties in a bundle, no, we have no problem with gays – we just don’t think that hetero men need to walk, talk, dress, act, or have sex like them. And if you’re offended…well I’m offended that you’re offended). But I digress… We were just as surprised as you when we got a call from the White House granting an interview to Real Man Magazine. They were reaching out to a demographic which they’d previously ignored entirely – men, real men. I guess they really must be hurting. Rather than ask the same old kiss-ass softball questions, we thought we’d go in a completely different direction...

Good afternoon Mr. President. Thank you for taking the time to talk with Real Man Magazine.

(bowing while shaking my hand) It’s great to talk to you and your readers. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to you for how America has treated you...

No apology necessary. America has treated me great. It’s given me the NFL, MMA, incredible women, crazy jack, all the beer I could ever drink, and the freedom to write this nonsense.

Well nevertheless, I apologize.

Well you can take your apology and…hey, what’s that?

(reading) It’s…a…tele-prompter. Just…ignore…it. It…helps…me…think.

Uh huh. Well get it the hell out of here.

But I can’t…

We don’t want to know what that sissy-looking guy over there thinks - the guy typing your answers into the teleprompter. We want to know what you, Barack Obama think.

(as if reading from teleprompter) Now…get…it…the…hell…out…of…here.

(Just a little test to see if this guy can stand up to anyone. He can’t.)

Alright…you heard him guys. Get it the heck out of here. Geez. (pauses, then looks down at my feet). Nice boots. (He notices my Harley Davidson’s). If I weren’t president, I’d wear boots like that.

Yeah, sure you would; maybe put them on when you ride your little bicycle, with your little bicycle helmet? (laughs).

Ha, you got me. You’re right, they’d make my helmet look silly. (laughs).

Listen, for the last 2 years, we’ve watched as you ‘threw’ out the first pitch on opening day. What the hell was that?

What do you mean?

I mean, it was freaking awful. Pathetic. You throw like a sissy. Like a little girl.

Well, I never played much sports growing up. I don’t know that I actually throw like a little girl. I think you probably mean that my throwing motion isn’t as good as say a Lebron James, but it’s coming along. It’s heading in the right direction.

(under my breath) Yeah, it’s heading in the right direction, just like the economy.

Excuse me?

Nothing. Look, Lebron James plays basketball, not baseball.

Right.

And I really do mean that you actually throw like a little girl - like a small, young, uncoordinated, female.

Well I worked out with a pitching coach for three hours a day, each week before opening day, each year.

Yeah right. Who was your pitching coach – the First Lady? (sarcastically).

(indignant). No. Not the First Lady. (almost unintelligible). My daughter.

Who?

(louder) My daughter. Alright. There.

Oh yeah, your daughter, the little girl. O.K., enough about your disgraceful throwing motion. I was curious about your answer when someone asked who your favorite baseball player was on your favorite team.

Yes?

Yeah. You couldn’t come up with one. You couldn’t name a single player. What the hell?

Well my tele-prompter…

Oh right. You didn’t have your teleprompter. That’s funny.

What?

Remember back when all of the white liberal sports guys were pleasuring themselves talking about how it was so great having a president who was a sports guy, just like them? They were beside themselves. When they should’ve been talking about the day’s games, they were talking about you making your NCAA picks, or talking about how you can play hoops. They were like 12 year old girls at a Jonas Brothers concert. And now we find out, you don’t have a clue about sports.

(laughing) Yeah, you’re right. That was funny. Like Lenin said: ‘useful idiots’. The problem is that these white reporters are always trying to show everyone how hip they are. They bend over backwards to show everyone that they don’t have a racist bone in their body. They wouldn’t dare criticize me. They’d be afraid that someone would call them a racist – which we would. Not me, but I’d have my people do it. You know Al and Jesse and Louis and those guys. The guys I know just laugh at these poor fellows behind their backs. We appreciate how they kiss our butts, but then we laugh about it later.

Do you see yourself as ‘cool’?

Sure, yeah, I guess.

Really? (skeptically)

(laughs) Yeah right. I’m like the biggest dork ever.

But all of the guys in the media see you as ‘cool’. They’re always talking about how ‘cool’ you are.

Yeah but have you seen those guys? Those reporters are the biggest sissies you’ve ever seen. Actually, they aren’t really ‘reporters’. Reporters have integrity and present a fair representation of the issues. At the White House we affectionately refer to them as our ‘bitches’, since they will do anything we tell them. They are soft and feminine. They don’t know cool. They wouldn’t know cool if it slid out of a pigeon’s butt and hit them in the face. For Christ’s sake, there’s one guy on TV who talks about getting a tingling going up his leg when I talk. That’s not cool. That’s gay.

Got it…So, let’s switch gears here. Quite a few Americans, both Democrats and Republicans think you’re a Muslim. Are you?

As Allah is my witness, no. My Mullah and I were just talking about that the other day. We’re not sure where that comes from.

I can’t imagine. Thank you Mr. President for taking time to talk with Real Man Magazine. Now get out there, get a pair of testicles, and kick some ass.

Thank you. I’ll see what I can do about kicking some butt. I’m going to have a very stern conversation with the lady in the laundry about putting too much starch in my Mom Jeans. As far as testicles, I’ll have to talk to my wife to find out where she put them.

*** Dear useful idiots - this is satire. ***

© Real Man Magazine

Barack Obama Interview