WORK

HOW TO GET YOUR BOSS FIRED

Dealing with the devil at work

By FRANKLIN PIERCE
Real Man Magazine, Editor and Publisher

 

 

S

ome bosses deserved to be fired – period.  They try to make the life of everyone around them as miserable as their life.  They’re rotten to the core, and the world would be a better place without them.  Originally, I was hesitant to actually suggest that anyone seriously take action to try and get their boss fired.  But after further contemplation, including reminiscing about the personal atrocities leveled against me by these bottom feeders, I’ve concluded that Asshole Bosses (AHBs) deserve to be fired by their staff.  Fuck ‘em.

 

Yes, I’m all for turning the other cheek and letting things roll of our backs.  However, sometimes you need to stand up for yourself and those around you.  You need to take control of your destiny.  You sometimes need to fight evil, rather than ignore it.  The good done by such a deed far outweighs the bad.  In many cases, you have a moral obligation to get your boss fired, in order to save your physical and mental health, and those of the less fortunate around you. 

 

Now I’m not condoning loading up your arsenal, driving down to the post office where you work, and start firing.  If that’s your mental state, then do all of those around you a favor – go to the garage and get your power cord.  Now cut off one end, exposing the wires.  Then drop you pants and securely fasten the two leads to your testicals with lots of duct tape.  Finally, plug the other end of the cord in to the nearest outlet.  If you regain consciousness, repeat the process.

 

Some of you bosses may see yourself in this article.  You may think I’m writing about you.  You may think you’re going to sue me because I’m using your story.  Think again.  The truth is that you’re just another AHB who resembles a lot of AHBs.  So get over yourself.  Instead of worrying about someone writing about you, why not work on becoming a human being?  How about you start treating people with a little kindness and respect?  How about turning over a new leaf and seeing what you can do to help people, rather than hurt them?  On second thought, you’re an AHB.  You’re not going to change.  Here’s some rope.  Go hang yourself.

 

 

 

This isn’t a subject I take lightly.  The truth is that for most of us, our quality of life is directly related to how well we get along with our boss.  An AHB can wreak total havoc on all aspects of your life.  The stress you endue from dealing with an AHB can severely impact your health, leading to all sorts of health issues from intestinal disorders to heart attacks.  It also affects your relationships with your wife, your kids, and the family pet. 

 

Statistics have shown that AHBs are responsible for 67% of the abuse to family pets.  It seems that employees are coming home after being abused by their bosses and yelling at their spouses, who then yell at their kids, who then kick the cat.  O.k. I just made that statistic up - but it could be true!

 

The real finger in the eye is that these AHBs could care less.  On the contrary; many of these bosses get a perverse pleasure out of knowing they’re causing problems in their employees’ lives.  It’s a power trip.  How powerful must a boss feel knowing that he’s controlling the quality of life of one of his peons? 

 

 

 

Whether or not you seriously consider getting your boss fired, it’s sure fun to think about.  If you’re in an unhappy employment situation with your boss, chances are that you think about it all of the time.  You’ll be in the middle of a meeting, using the bathroom, or maybe even making love, and your mind will wander off to a daydream where you’re strangling your boss, punching him in the face, telling him off, pissing on his desk, or leaving a horse head in his bed.  Sometimes these fantasies are all we have.  They’re the only thing that keeps us going back to deal with the AHB day after day.

 

You’re not alone.  It’s an epidemic in our society.  Everyone seems to have their own story of a boss from hell that made everyone around them miserable.  There are thousands of stories in publications and posted on websites.  One story involves a boss who angrily demanded an employee crawl around on the floor imitating a dog.  There are even contests run every year for the biggest boss from hell.

 

 

Like you, I also have my own stories.  I’ve worked for more AHBs over the years than I care to remember.  But unfortunately, I do remember some of the biggest AHBs - try as I might to forget about them.

 

I once worked with a guy named Barry who was one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.  A heavyset giant of a man, but very kind and gentle.  He was one of those guys who, when you talked to him, you got the feeling that he really cared about you and what you were saying.

 

Barry’s only mistake was that he was a nice guy.  AHBs hate nice guys, and especially hate gentle nice guys.  AHBs are generally bullies and cowards.  And like most cowards, when you stand up to them, they cower and wilt like weeds covered in Roundup.  So when a gentle, nice guy comes along, they salivate like a wolf closing in on a sick calf.  They can’t wait to sink their teeth into the entrails of the nice guy and hang his testicles on the wall as a trophy, in order to demonstrate their AHB power.

 

Enter the ‘lady’ boss from hell.  She came from the deepest parts of hell, reserved for the vilest life forms.  Hopefully, she’ll return there someday very soon.  Against my better judgment, I took a promotion which put me directly under this dragon lady.  This lady was so venomous, so caustic, and so heartless that you could literally visualize her eating her young.  Luckily for her young, she had no children.  She wasn’t even married or in a relationship.  Go figure.

 

 

In any event, as a team leader over Barry, the dragon lady asked that I start documenting his performance so that we could get rid of him.  I inquired as to the reason, and she suggested his performance was inadequate.  You just got the impression she didn’t like the guy, and didn’t like him with a passion.  She wasn’t able to provide any specifics; just that he was a performance problem.

 

She was suggesting that the guy was incompetent and couldn’t do his job.  The problem was that our job wasn’t that difficult.  It was pretty straightforward.  There wasn’t that much to it.  I could teach my ten year old son how to do my job in a few hours.  But of course, to a dim-witted AHB, it was rocket science.  They had no life outside of work, so this job was their universe.  Therefore, they liked to think of it as some complicated puzzle which only they had figured out.

 

That was one of the many areas where the dragon lady and I didn’t see eye to eye.  I saw our job as a paycheck.  Sure I liked to do a good job, but I didn’t see the job as a vehicle for harassing others.  I figured if a guy was a nice guy, he was way ahead of the game.  You could always teach someone how to do this job, but you’re never going to teach someone how NOT to be an asshole.

 

Anyway, I reluctantly started watching over Barry.  I gave him simple assignments, and he completed every one just fine.  After several days, the dragon lady asked for my report on Barry.  I told her he completed everything I gave him just fine.  I suggested that his problem could simply have been that he didn’t understand the other assignments.   So, I told her, I took some extra time and made sure I communicated everything very clearly to him.  I also made myself available for him to come to for support and questions.

 

The dragon lady was having none of that crap.  She wanted him gone.  She didn’t give a rat’s ass that I thought he could do the job.  But she also realized that I wasn’t going to help her in her evil mission.  Therefore, she facetiously thanked me for helping and told me she was going to take over from here - and by the way, don’t let the door hit me in the ass on the way out of her office.

 

To make a long story short, the dragon lady ratcheted up the pressure on ol’ Barry.  She gave him vague assignments, contradicted herself, changed the assignments without telling him, and basically just set the guy up for failure.  She documented everything in the most negative, unflattering way to make Barry look like he couldn’t tie his shoes without her help.

 

Barry soon started having medical problems – serious medical problems.  The usual type of problems we see present when AHBs are in the area:  gastrointestinal problems, high blood pressure, etc.  Barry could see the writing on the wall. He could either try and fight the dragon lady’s obvious attempts to fire him, which were relentless.  Or he could try and save some of his piece of mind, and quit.  Quitting would likely involve a period of unemployment, significant loss to his standard of living, and additional emotional and physical unrest.  However, Barry realized that his best chance of curing his health problems would be to simply walk away.  So he walked away and probably saved his life in the process.  Meanwhile the dragon lady thought she was on top of the world, demonstrating to any and all that she was the queen, and no one should dare cross her or they would pay the price.  I think she was also a bit disappointed that she wasn’t able to finish the job by actually causing the guy to buckle under her pressure and have a heart attack and die right there on the office floor.

 

That’s how a lot of AHBs handle it.  They don’t have the testicular fortitude to simply fire someone.  They’re afraid of the legalities, and getting dinged for not following all of the corporate procedures, etc.  So rather than fire someone, these AHBs will simply try and make their people as miserable as possible on a day to day basis.  These AHBs were likely the kids who tore the wings off flies, or put firecrackers in frogs’ mouths and blew them up, or lit cats of fire.  They are truly the lowest life form.

 

 

Allow me to provide you with another example of an AHB in action.  During my first few years on the job at a government agency, I got married.  Leading up to the marriage, there were all sorts of obligations.  My wife was planning a large outdoor wedding with all of the bells and whistles.  We had to pick out food, and cakes, and trips, and flowers, and clothes, and gifts, and on and on.  Not that I gave a shit about all of that, but it meant a lot to my wife, so I told her I’d be with her and help her out.  Consequently, in good faith, I kindly asked my boss if he could perhaps keep me off the road for the two weeks prior to my wedding, if at all possible.  Pretty please sir, with a cherry on top, I’ll eat all of my vegetables – you get the idea.  I did my best ass kiss.  He smiled wryly and told me he’d see what he could do.  You’ve probably already guessed what happened.  That’s right.  The next Monday, I was shipped off to Los Angeles where I sat and did nothing for the next two weeks until my wedding.  I shit you not.  I literally did nothing.  There was no reason for me to be there.  What an asshole.  It was clear that the only reason that I went to LA was because I asked not to be on travel status.  He basically wanted to fuck with me.  It worked.  I felt ‘fucked with’. 

 

If that wasn’t bad enough, a year or so later, I made a similar request of another boss.  This time I tried to be a little more subtle.  I didn’t ask directly, but reminded him that the birth of my first child was imminent, and therefore they may need to have someone else available if I had to leave suddenly due to the labor of my wife.  Sure enough, I was shipped out town where I - you guessed it - sat around and did nothing until my wife gave birth.  Luckily, we were allowed to fly home on weekends and fortunately my wife went into labor over the weekend. So I didn’t miss the birth.  But those SOBs did their best to make me miss it - on purpose.  I mean, we’re not talking about some sort of misunderstanding or misinterpretation.  These guys intentionally, with malice, tried to get me to miss the birth of my child simply to show me who was boss.  Can you imagine?  I mean what kind of perverted f--k purposely tries to make another human being miss the birth of his child?  A severe AHB, that’s who.

 

 

And please allow me to indulge you for one brief, final story.  On the birth of my last child, I gave notice that I’d be going on leave when my child was born.  I told my boss the expected delivery date, but that was just a guess.  I did it out of courtesy to my boss.  I tried to give my boss an approximate time, well in advance, so they could plan around it.  But that wasn’t good enough.  No.  My boss refused to approve my leave unless I could tell her exactly what day the baby would be born.  I shit you not.  And yes you read correctly.  This boss was a woman!  At least she said she was.  Can you imagine any woman conducting herself in such a manner?  In any event, when my son was born, I let her know and didn’t show up for a few days.  She didn’t protest too much.  I guess she figured I’d fight back.

 

If a boss wants to make your life miserable, they can do it quite easily.  If they want to set you up to fail, they can do that effortlessly.  Don’t think so?  Don’t be too sure.  If I showed up at your work and was charged with criticizing your work, you’d better bet your boss-beaten ass that I could find a laundry list of things that you’re doing wrong - or things which I could suggest to others that you’re doing wrong.

 

Don’t think so?  How about:

• The day(s) you showed up late, left early, took a long lunch(es), or took an excessive break(s);
• Problems with your time report, travel report, or expense reports;
• How you don’t always precisely follow all procedures in the company manual;
• Your potential or actual safety violations
• Your messy desk or work area;
• Your sexual comments or inappropriate jokes;
• Your laughing at someone else’s sexual comments or inappropriate jokes;
• Your personal emails read and sent on company time;
• The offensive email jokes you send or receive on company time;
• Your web surfing not related to work;
• Your misspelling, grammar, and neatness; and
• The office or work supplies you took.

 

I could also do a lot more subtle, but equally damaging things.  At manger meetings, I could routinely, but matter of factly, give the impression to superiors that you’re a performance problem, may have a drug problem, or are basically an overall problem employee.  I can blame you for any issues within my department.  I could subtly turn other employees against you by spreading false rumors and information about your conduct, performance, and personal life.  You see how easy it is to be an AHB?

 

 

So how do you deal with an AHB or fight back?  Let’s examine some of your options.  There are two options that most people gravitate towards:  have a heart to heart talk with the AHB; and report the AHB to superiors.  Let’s examine both.

 

Heart to Heart

I know there are a lot of you who think that your AHB still has some ‘good’ deep down inside of him.  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but there’s nothing but a lump of coal where your AHB’s heart used to be.  There ain’t no Santa Claus either.  You’ve been watching too many reruns of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  Your AHB’s heart is never coming back.  In any event, it’s true that one option is to have a heart to heart talk with him.  My advice:  don’t waste your time.  If your boss was a reasonable person, you wouldn’t be in this situation.  It’s like negotiating with a terrorist.  There you would be trying to get the terrorist to open up about their feelings and tell you why he hates your Great Satan guts, while the terrorist takes out his sword and saws your head off at the neck.  If you want to feel what it’s like to be two feet tall, if you want to know what it feels like to have your bosses stapler shoved up your ass - then by all means, try the heart to heart.  However, I guarantee you that if you try the heart to heart, when you leave his office you will feel like a moron, a wimp, and have less self esteem than before you went in to his office.

 

Report him to superiors

Now there’s another bright idea.  Report him. Who do you think promoted this AHB in the first place?  That’s right, his superiors.  They think he’s the right guy for the job and have probably been giving him bonuses all the while.  It’s possible that they don’t know what an asshole he is, but highly unlikely.  They just don’t care.  They probably promoted him because he’s an AHB, just like them.  Bosses are often promoted in the image of their bosses.  Now, it’s possible you can go to your AHB’s superior and report a problem, and the superior may even look in to it.  But the chance that anything will change is almost zero.  The AHB will ask for support from his superior.  He will blame it on you.  He will deny and lie.  In the end, your AHB holds all of the cards, and you hold none.  My advice:  forget about reporting him.  You’ll just waste a lot of time and energy.  You’re betting on a sure loser here.

 

O.K., so your ideas suck.  Don’t lose heart.  There are some better ideas than the ‘heart to heart’ and ‘report him to superiors’ strategies.  Let’s examine a few of those.

 

Ignore

Ignoring your AHB’s behavior is another interesting option.  It’s actually better than having a heat to heart and reporting him to superiors.  However, it’s far from ideal.  This is what most people do.  They just deal with it and live in misery.  It’s a horrible existence.  You’ve probably seen these people.  They walk around like zombies.  They’ve given up on the idea of a happy existence years ago.  They’ve resigned themselves to the reality that their life is crap and will be crap until they retire or die on the job.  Their eyes are dark and sunken.  Their posture is weak and hunched over.  When their AHB approaches, they act like an abused puppy dog, recoiling in the face of another certain beating.    

 

Transfer

Now we’re getting somewhere.  If there’s any way possible: transfer under another boss; transfer to another city; or transfer to another department.  Screw the pay, screw the moving, just get the hell out of there at all costs.  You’ll definitely feel a lot of short term pain.  But you’ll come out the other end of the dark tunnel and into the sunlight of a more peaceful work existence.

 

Quit

As much as you don’t want to hear it, quitting is often your best often.  I know - most of us have been brought up with the idea that quitting is bad, we should never give up, and when the going gets tough the tough get going.  That’s all true - except in the case of working for an AHB.  When you work for an AHB:  give up; surrender,; and quit.  You might beat yourself up over it in the short term, but you’ll be glad you did in the long run.  You’ll suddenly feel an incredible rush of freedom that you haven’t felt since the day you borrowed the car from the old man the first time.

 

Also, don’t buy in to all of that crap that recruiting people sell.  You know, the part about not burning any bridges because you might need them as a reference later?  Forget about that bullshit.  Face it.  Is your AHB ever going to give you a positive reference as long as the world turns?  Not ‘no’, but ‘hell no!’.  It’s perfectly acceptable to take the high road and simply turn in your resignation and leave.  You should also feel free to use your exit to realize every fantasy you’ve ever had about disrespecting your boss.  Climb up on his desk and piss all over it.  Tell his wife that he’s sleeping with the secretary.  Super Glue all of his furniture to the ceiling.  Whatever.  However, I’d recommend not doing anything illegal – or at least not committing any felonies.  Misdemeanors might be worth it.       

 

“Is that all there is?”, you might ask.  Yep.  Unfortunately, those are your best options.  But none of them are really very good.  Having an AHB is just one of those inevitable things in life that suck, and you can’t do much about it.  You know, like jock itch.  The problem is many of us have no place we can transfer to, and as family breadwinners we can’t just quit and find a comparable or better job - especially if we’ve put in many years climbing the pay scale at our current job.

 

This severely limits your options.  As sneaky, underhanded, and unethical as it sounds, we sometimes have to play dirty.  We can either sacrifice our health, family life, and piece of mind, or we can fight back.  The good news is that you don’t actually have to get him fired.  A demotion or a transfer can have the same results.  But getting him fired is a lot more fun.

 

Disclaimer:  These concepts are for entertainment purposes only.  Do not try this at home.  Swim at your own risk.  Do not induce vomiting.

 

• If your boss is a drinker, take him out and get him drunk.  The call the cops on him when he leaves in his car.  If you can’t stomach going out to drink with him, follow him to his place of drinking, and call the cops when he leaves.
• Place a large magnet next to his computer.  Put the magnet in your briefcase, then set it down next his computer when he leaves his office.  A magnet will erase the contents of his hard drive.  This is most effective when there is no backup file system, and right after your boss has spent weeks writing up documents for his superiors.  Repeat as often as necessary.
• Log on to his computer and send offensive email in his name.  People often walk away from their computers while they are logged on.  Take this opportunity to send out offensive material in his name.  Suggestions include pornographic pictures and videos, sexual and racist jokes, and complaints about senior management.
• Log on to his computer and visit numerous sites of illegal activity, then turn in an anonymous tip to your IT department and upper management about his activities.  Suggested sites might include underage porn sites, terrorist sites, hacking sites, and hate sites.
• Write anonymous letters to congress, your CEO, websites, and anyone else you can think of, outlining all of the offenses committed by your AHB.
• Document all of your bosses offenses.  Include dates, times, and detailed descriptions.  They’ll come in handy.
• Watch:  Bad Influence starring Rob Lowe and James Spader.
• Read The Catbird Seat by James Thurber.
• Use your imagination.

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