Apparently, he knew I was serious, and maybe even feared a strong ass-kickin’, because he immediately zipped up and sashayed his perverted ass right out of the bathroom.  I just had to laugh.  So I laughed.  Can you imagine?  I mean, what the hell goes on in the minds of these assholes?

I couldn’t wait to share this story with my wife.  I mean, I didn’t have anyone else to share it with.  I wasn’t there with the guys.  So I was hoping my wife would appreciate it.  I guess I could have stopped some dude walking by outside the restroom, but it probably would have creeped him out.  While I was telling him the story, the guy would have probably said to himself “why is this moron telling me his story about some freaking pervert in the men’s room?”  Or if I chose the wrong guy, he might have been thinking “sounds good to me big guy, why don’t we go back in the men’s room so I can look at your balls too”.

Luckily, my wife’s pretty cool and can appreciate my warped sense of humor – at least most of the time.  So she reacted just like I hoped she would.  She said “You’re kidding me”.  And of course I said, “no, really”.  And of course, then we both laughed.

Now I know there are a lot of guys who would probably have punched the guy.  I heard about this sort of cretin behavior before.  I’ve even talked to a few guys who’ve done it.   But a real man has enough confidence in his sexuality that he isn’t threatened to the point where he needs to punch some guy in the head, simply because the guy wanted to blow him.  If you’re the type of guy who thinks he has to beat up any guy you come across who wants to blow you, you’re a sick mother.  Go get your freaking head examined you screwed up bastard.  You’re probably a mama’s boy who secretly has homosexual tendencies you can’t face.  Or perhaps sheep are your thing.

Look.  You’ve approached women for years, and they wanted nothing to do with you.  Every time you approached a woman who wasn't interested, she didn’t punch YOU in the head, did she?  Of course, not.  She probably just said ‘no’.  Granted, she may have laughed at your pathetic ass for even having the audacity to approach her, or she may have thrown her drink in your face if you were especially vile, but she certainly didn’t kick you in the balls or stick your head in a toilet.  Or maybe she did.

If some guy wants to blow you, and you’re not in to it, simply do as I did, and say ‘no’.  That’s all it takes.  If you’re the type to get offended, you should think of it as a compliment.  They’ve basically just told you that you’re an attractive man.  I mean, isn’t it worse to be unattractive?

I vaguely remember a skit in a TV show starring the comedian / actress Tracey Ulman.  It may have even been called The Tracey Ulman Show.  In any event, two guys were in some remote place like a weather station in Antarctica.  They lived together, worked together, and spent many months together – just the two of them.  Well, I forget how it comes up, but one of the guys finally tells the other that he’s gay.  At first the straight guy is offended.  He tells the gay guy that the gay guy was probably watching him all of this time with all sorts of ‘gay’ thoughts.  The gay guy tells the straight guy that “no, actually I’m not attracted to you at all”.  This catches the straight guy completely off guard.  He’s silent for a bit, then starts asking the gay guy “you don’t find me attractive?  Well, why not?”  The hetero guy then starts carrying on like a spurned lover.  He can’t accept the fact that a gay guy doesn’t find him attractive.

So there you go.  If a gay guy ever follows you in to the restroom, don’t get offended and punch him in the head.  Think of it as a compliment.  Because when you think about it, there are probably gay guys camped out in men’s rooms all over the country.  But how often have they found you attractive enough to follow in to a men’s room?  That’s right.  Chances are no gay guy has ever followed you in to a men’s room.  For those of you who have been propositioned by a gay guy in the men’s room, you’re probably now feeling a little more pleased with yourselves as we speak.  And those of you who haven’t are probably now hoping that some gay guy will find you attractive enough to follow in to the men’s room. 

CONTINUED - SURVIVE A PERVERT

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