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HEALTH
TAKING A CRAP 2.0:
What your mommy didn't teach you
G |
uys, this paragraph is just for the women. The men can meet me in the next paragraph. So stop reading now, and go to the next paragraph. O.K., good. Now that were alone ladies…If you’re a woman who decided to sneak a peak at you man’s magazine to see what he’s up to, you’ve picked a perfect spot to start reading. This article will shock you and gross you out. It will grow hair on your chest and curve your spine. It’ll make your ass grow and breasts shrink. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. You’ll never look at your man the same. You should seriously consider putting this magazine down right now and walk away before it’s too late. Guys can handle talking about bathroom activities. To us, it’s normal and hilarious. But to women, it’s disgusting and juvenile. Also, you women already know how to use the bathroom. It’s in your genes. Guys don’t have the bathroom IQ that you do. Continue reading at your own risk.
Hey guys, welcome back. Now, what the hell were you doing letting your woman read your magazine? Keep it in your tackle box under the rubber worms. She’ll never look in there. Also, what the hell were you doing reading the paragraph I wrote for the women? I said it was for the ladies. What did you think I was going to do, ask her to blow me or something? I should have. It would have served you right. O.K., I confess. I did ask her to blow me. Now let’s get on with it.
Remember when you were a youngster, perhaps 8 or 10, and your old man sat you down and said “Son, now here’s how you take a dump”? Yeah, me neither. And therein lies the problem. After your parents spent a few days potty training you when you were too young to remember, you were on your own. There were no follow up lessons, no quality control, and no yearly continuing professional education. You had to figure it out for yourself. It’s not like you could walk in to a bathroom and observe someone taking a crap.
Okay, some of you did make those sorts of observations? Now that’s just plain sick. For anyone that did / does this, I want you to roll up this magazine right now into a small roll, and stick it deep into your eye socket. Then I want you to get on the next plane to the Middle East and never return. You should be fornicating sheep in some remote village in Afghanistan. For those of you reading this online, take your monitor and smash your head with it several times until you lose consciousness.
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Now back to our story…
The problem is that some of you didn’t figure out how to take a dump the right way. And those of you who did figure it out, you didn’t figure it out too good. We need look no further than the aggressive skid marks on your shorts, and the flaming case of hemorrhoids plaguing you the last few years. All of you guys are the reason we have proctologists, and the reason why wives won’t pick up filthy shorts off the bedroom floor.
I know. You’re thinking “I’ve been taking dumps all of my life. I don’t need any help. What’s next, lessons on how to pick my nose?” Actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea for a follow-up column. Many of you have no idea what the proper technique is for picking your nose. There’s finger selection, angle, depth, where to wipe it…
But I digress…
For those of you who think you’ve perfected the art of turd cutting, I have one word for you: Elvis. You remember, The King? He died in his bathroom several years ago. For those of you who got the sanitized version of Elvis’ death, allow me to fill in the gory details you didn’t hear in the mainstream media.
Elvis died of cardiac arrest while sitting on the crapper trying to take a dump. That’s right. You see, the sleeping pills, barbiturates, amphetamines, and other drugs had so screwed up his system that he wasn’t regular. One theory is that all of the drugs in his system, combined with the grunting and straining of his bowels, put too much strain on his heart and he died.
Now I’m not saying that you’re in such bad shape that you’re going to die unless you learn how to properly take a dump. I am saying that your life could be a whole lot easier if you follow some simple guidelines for pinching a loaf.
- Crap on company time
My uncle gave me this bit of advice which is actually quite brilliant in its simplicity. Why crap on your own time when you can crap on company time and get paid? Getting paid for taking a dump? – now that’s a novel concept.
Of course there are downsides to taking a dump on company time. For starters, you might not be comfortable sitting on the same crapper in which your boss just did his dirty deed. Many of us can’t stand to be in the same room as our boss, let alone sit down on the same toilet seat.
Also, you might work outdoors and have to use one of those porta-potties. In a pinch, they’ll do. But if you don’t have to use one of those filthy things, I’d avoid them at all costs. They’re like opening up a septic tank and crapping down the hole. Frankly, I’d rather just find a wooded area and relieve myself than crap in one of those turd traps. Sure, you don’t always have a seat to sit on outside in the woods, but at least you’ve got some fresh air, and you don’t have to worry about splashing someone else’s butt gravy all over your backside.
Also, what’s with you guys who write all over those porta johns? Who are you guys? O.K. I’ll admit, once in awhile, something one of you guys writes cracks me up - when I was twelve. I still remember one saying I found on a bathroom wall on the seventh hole of my local golf course: “Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to shit but only farted.” Now when I was a kid, that was funny. But most of what you find on bathroom walls is just ridiculous. I mean “Joe’s a fag”? Come on. Or how about the guy who draws childlike pictures of naked women. Is that supposed to give me a boner? Or are you pleasuring yourself over it while you’re on the crapper? I guess that explains why you’re in there so long. Leave your crayons at home next time Rembrandt.
- Don’t crap until you’re ready
Crapping before you’re ready is a huge mistake. If Elvis had lived by this rule, he’d be alive today. You need to wait until it’s about ready to slip out of your ass. If you’ve got time to go into the bathroom and finish war and peace; if you’ve got time to draw cartoons all over the walls; if you’re in there so long that you fall asleep on the crapper, then I’ve got news for you - you ain’t ready. And just because you haven’t crapped in three days, that doesn’t mean you’re ready – it means you’re constipated. Go eat a box of Ex-Lax. You’ll be ready tomorrow.
- Eat better food
Some of you are thinking “but if I waited until it was ready to slip out of my ass, I’d never take a dump.” Understood. But that doesn’t make it right. You need to get regular. The body thrives on it. You do that by eating better. Don’t think you can wake up in the morning and get a cup of coffee and a doughnut at the gas station; then eat a Twinkie at break; and then eat a burger for lunch and pizza and beer for dinner. No wonder you have a log jam in your colon. Throw a little fiber into your diet - eat some fruit, some yogurt, take a multi-vitamin, etc. If you still can’t manage, then take a daily supplement. Psyllium Husks are a great way to cleanse your system. Turds will be slipping out of your ass in no time.
- Don’t strain
Once you’re ready to do the deed, let it happen naturally. Don’t force the issue. You can even read a bit while you’re dilating. Just don’t sit there for hours straining. Straining is where you do the most damage to your ass. That’s how Johnny two-ass got his name. That’s right – strained himself a second anus. Remember, you’re not giving birth. No need to bear down and force it out of your ass. It’s a turd. Let nature take its course and it’ll slide out naturally.
- Crap the same time every day
Don’t take a dump at 6:00 a.m. one day, then noon the next, and 9:00 p.m. the next. Granted, it’s not always easy to burn a mule at the same time everyday. Sometimes you just aren’t ready until a later time, or you got stuck in traffic, or had to get some work done, or were in a meeting. Fine. But after you start eating right, and taking a few supplements to keep you regular, always try and stay on the same dump routine. Before you know it, your body will automatically let you know when it’s time to drop the kids off at the pool – and it’ll be the same time everyday.
- Clean well and often
It’s critical that you keep yourself clean down there. If you don’t, it can lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which is a smelly ass. And a smelly ass can lead to a smelly chair. We once had an old guy in the office who didn’t practice good hygiene. One poor bastard discovered it the hard way. When the old guy was out of the office, this guy used his chair. It was one of those fabric chairs with a cushioned seat. You know, the kind that soak up all of the sweat, odors, and anything else crawling out of your ass. The guy sat down on the seat and immediately was engulfed in the most vile, disgusting aroma known to man. Instead of using the old guy’s name, they started calling him ‘ass rot’. You don’t want to go through life known as ‘ass rot’. On the other hand, it is a good way to prevent anyone in the office from using your chair.
Poor ass hygiene can also lead to a rash and an itchy ass. Still not convinced? What if I told you 99% of women surveyed cited a man not wiping your ass good enough as the number one cause of not wanting to perform oral sex. That’s right. When your woman goes down there and starts to perform oral, and then smells your awful ass aroma, she’ll never go down there again. Would you? And the 1% of women who don’t mind? You don’t want them playing the slobber blues on your bonaphone anyway. So wipe – multiple times, until you’re completely clean. Also, if you can, wet the paper to get even more clean. (No, don’t dip your toilet paper in the toilet to wet it – wet it in the sink Einstein). Finally, use some sort of ass wipe like Preparation H wipes or even baby wipes, after you’ve done all of the other cleaning.
And one more bit of advice. Buy black shorts. White shorts are fine when you’re 8, and your mommy’s doing your laundry. But you’re a grown man. Black shorts will hide any evidence that you didn’t wipe your ass good enough. You don’t want to remind your wife that she married a disgusting pig every time she does the laundry and sees your ass streaks in your white shorts.
- Crap in the handicap stall
My apologies to all of my handicapped friends. You have the best public stalls. They’re warm and spacious. Many even have sinks in them. Often they’re private little rooms. If the handicapped stall is available, take it. It allows you the best chance of practicing good hygiene. In the regular stalls, you often don’t even have enough room to turn around, let alone spread out and do your deed. I mean how sick is it to cram yourself in to a very small stall and accidentally rub your leg against the side of the toilet, which has piss and crap dripping down the side – or have your legs rub up against the stall walls where some sick bastard wiped his nose goo. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not be walking around with someone else’s’ waste on my leg for the rest of the day. If a handicapper is coming, show some class and get out of his stall. He’s got bigger problems than your ass habits. Also, leave it clean for him.
- Put down an ass gasket and additional TP
It’s critical that you use an ass gasket. You don’t want to be wearing someone else’s urine or excrement on your ass. First, take a handful of TP and wipe off the toilet seat and the outside of the toilet where your legs might touch. Next, put down the toilet seat protector so that it covers the entire seat. Finally, put down several strips of TP on top of the ass gasket, and in the area where your unit might touch the inside of the toilet. What’s worse than sitting in someone else’s mess on the seat? Touching the inside of a filthy toilet bowl with your dick, that’s what. So go heavy on the paper.
- Sit down lightly with only one side of your ass on the seat
You want as little of your ass as possible touching the crapper. One way to do this is to sit down lightly on one side of your ass, and use your other foot to kind of lift up and support your other ass cheek in mid-air. You’ll get there with practice. Some guys can even crap without sitting down at all. However, I don’t recommend this method. The gains that you make by not touching the seat are wiped out by the major splash-back you get from dropping a turd into a filthy bowl from three feet.
- Put some TP in the toilet to avoid splashing
What’s worse than dropping a big load and getting a splash of toilet water shooting right up your ass? Nothing’s worse. Chances are you’ve already peed in the water before you dumped. And every sick S.O.B. in the area has probably used this toilet and has remnants of their ass act all over the inside of the bowl and in the water. Now that water with your pee and their scum is up your ass. Be smart. Put some toilet paper in the bowl before you crap. Your turd will gently slide into the bowl like a Mexican Cliff Diver after a perfect no-splash entry.
- Flush, flush, and flush again.
How many times have you walked in to a stall and the first thing you see is someone else’s disgusting, filthy anal explosion? More times than you can count, I’m sure. Don’t do this to your worst enemy. Make sure you leave the bathroom clean for the next guy. Flush when you arrive, flush when you leave, and flush a few times in between if necessary. And don’t touch the flusher with your hand. Use your foot, or use some TP. You never know if the guy before you wiped his hand with his ass then flushed with his excrement stained hand. Finally, if you’re manufacturing a particularly vile stench and there are others nearby, give them a courtesy flush. They don’t have the same attachment to your ass odor that you do. They don’t share the same proud feelings you do about your creation. To them, your shit stinks. If everyone used courtesy flushes, the paint on the bathroom walls would last 73% longer.
- Keep your stance narrow
Some of you may recall that one of our illustrious politicians, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, was arrested for trying to solicit sex in an airport bathroom. Apparently, there’s some perverted sub-culture that exists where gay men meet in public bathrooms. They make contact with willing partners by tapping their feet, or touching each other’s feet in the stall next to them. I know, it’s pretty freaking sick. Well some undercover cop followed Craig into the restroom, sat down in the stall next to him, and attempted to make gay sex contact. Supposedly, Craig signaled his willingness to bend over, or bend the other guy over, by touching the cop’s feet. Craig claims he just has a wide stance, and didn’t mean to touch the cop’s feet. The cop disagreed and Craig was left to explain his bathroom butt romp activities to his wife, and …oh yeah…the whole freaking country. Your lesson is simple: keep your stance narrow and don’t tap your feet. Otherwise, some Bubba might come crashing through your stall, turn you over, and start checking your temperature with his thermometer.
- Don’t touch the sink or anything else
Bathrooms are infested with germs. They’re full of spit, piss, crap, sperm, snot and who knows what else. Avoid touching anything in there at all costs. Here’s what you do. After you flush with your foot, open the door with your knee if at all possible; otherwise use the side of a single, seldom used finger. Keep this finger handy because you’re going to make good use of it later. Hopefully, the towel dispenser is sensor activated so you don’t have to touch it. If you do have to touch it, use your single, seldom used finger to obtain a paper towel. Now take the paper towel and turn on the faucet, then use the towel to start a new towel strip. Don’t tear it off at this point. You’re going to use it after you wash. This way you won’t have to touch the towel dispenser again. Use your seldom used finger to obtain a generous amount of soap. Wash thoroughly, paying particular attention to your seldom used finger, which has by now been used quite a bit. Leave the water running. Grab the paper towel you’ve previously dispensed and start drying your hands. Then use the same paper towel to obtain more paper towels. Dry your hands thoroughly and turn off the water with the paper towel. Don’t dispose of the paper towel.. Carry it with you to the bathroom door, and use the paper towel to open the door. Use your foot to keep the door open, then throw the paper towel in to the trash. If there isn’t any trash, throw it neatly in to the corner of the bathroom behind the door.
Congratulations! You’ve just completed your basic dump training or BDT. I know it’s a lot to learn. But study hard and practice. Before long, you too will be taking a dump like a pro. ©2008 www.realmanmag.com
