HEALTH

TAKING A CRAP 2.0:

What your mommy didn't teach you

By Dr. JACK CRAPPER
Real Man Magazine, Bodily Function Correspondent

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uys, this paragraph is just for the women.  The men can meet me in the next paragraph.  So stop reading now, and go to the next paragraph.  O.K., good.  Now that were alone ladies…If you’re a woman who decided to sneak a peak at you man’s magazine to see what he’s up to, you’ve picked a perfect spot to start reading.  This article will shock you and gross you out.  It will grow hair on your chest and curve your spine.  It’ll make your ass grow and breasts shrink.  You’ll wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats.  You’ll never look at your man the same.  You should seriously consider putting this magazine down right now and walk away before it’s too late.  Guys can handle talking about bathroom activities.  To us, it’s normal and hilarious.  But to women, it’s disgusting and juvenile.  Also, you women already know how to use the bathroom.  It’s in your genes.  Guys don’t have the bathroom IQ that you do.  Continue reading at your own risk.

 

Hey guys, welcome back.  Now, what the hell were you doing letting your woman read your magazine?  Keep it in your tackle box under the rubber worms.  She’ll never look in there.  Also, what the hell were you doing reading the paragraph I wrote for the women?  I said it was for the ladies.  What did you think I was going to do, ask her to blow me or something?  I should have.  It would have served you right.  O.K., I confess.  I did ask her to blow me.  Now let’s get on with it.

 

Remember when you were a youngster, perhaps 8 or 10, and your old man sat you down and said “Son, now here’s how you take a dump”?  Yeah, me neither.  And therein lies the problem.  After your parents spent a few days potty training you when you were too young to remember, you were on your own.  There were no follow up lessons, no quality control, and no yearly continuing professional education.  You had to figure it out for yourself.  It’s not like you could walk in to a bathroom and observe someone taking a crap. Okay, some of you did make those sorts of observations?  Now that’s just plain sick.  For anyone that did / does this, I want you to roll up this magazine right now into a small roll, and stick it deep into your eye socket.  Then I want you to get on the next plane to the Middle East and never return.  You should be fornicating sheep in some remote village in Afghanistan.  For those of you reading this online, take your monitor and smash your head with it several times until you lose consciousness. Now back to our story…

 

The problem is that some of you didn’t figure out how to take a dump the right way.  And those of you who did figure it out, you didn’t figure it out too good.  We need look no further than the aggressive skid marks on your shorts, and the flaming case of hemorrhoids plaguing you the last few years.  All of you guys are the reason we have proctologists, and the reason why wives won’t pick up filthy shorts off the bedroom floor. I know.  You’re thinking “I’ve been taking dumps all of my life.  I don’t need any help.  What’s next, lessons on how to pick my nose?”  Actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea for a follow-up column.  Many of you have no idea what the proper technique is for picking your nose.  There’s finger selection, angle, depth, where to wipe it…

 

But I digress…

 

For those of you who think you’ve perfected the art of turd cutting, I have one word for you:  Elvis.  You remember, The King?  He died in his bathroom several years ago.  For those of you who got the sanitized version of Elvis’ death, allow me to fill in the gory details you didn’t hear in the mainstream media. 

 

CONTINUED - TAKING A CRAP

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