Elvis died of cardiac arrest while sitting on the crapper trying to take a dump.  That’s right.  You see, the sleeping pills, barbiturates, amphetamines, and other drugs had so screwed up his system that he wasn’t regular.  One theory is that all of the drugs in his system, combined with the grunting and straining of his bowels, put too much strain on his heart and he died.

Now I’m not saying that you’re in such bad shape that you’re going to die unless you learn how to properly take a dump.  I am saying that your life could be a whole lot easier if you follow some simple guidelines for pinching a loaf.

1. Crap on company time

My uncle gave me this bit of advice which is actually quite brilliant in its simplicity.  Why crap on your own time when you can crap on company time and get paid?  Getting paid for taking a dump? – now that’s a novel concept.

Of course there are downsides to taking a dump on company time.  For starters, you might not be comfortable sitting on the same crapper in which your boss just did his dirty deed.  Many of us can’t stand to be in the same room as our boss, let alone sit down on the same toilet seat.

Also, you might work outdoors and have to use one of those porta-potties.  In a pinch, they’ll do.  But if you don’t have to use one of those filthy things, I’d avoid them at all costs.  They’re like opening up a septic tank and crapping down the hole.  Frankly, I’d rather just find a wooded area and relieve myself than crap in one of those turd traps.  Sure, you don’t always have a seat to sit on outside in the woods, but at least you’ve got some fresh air, and you don’t have to worry about splashing someone else’s butt gravy all over your backside.

Also, what’s with you guys who write all over those porta johns?  Who are you guys?  O.K. I’ll admit, once in awhile, something one of you guys writes cracks me up - when I was twelve.  I still remember one saying I found on a bathroom wall on the seventh hole of my local golf course:  “Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to shit but only farted.”  Now when I was a kid, that was funny.  But most of what you find on bathroom walls is just ridiculous.  I mean “Joe’s a fag”?  Come on.  Or how about the guy who draws childlike pictures of naked women.  Is that supposed to give me a boner?  Or are you pleasuring yourself over it while you’re on the crapper?  I guess that explains why you’re in there so long.  Leave your crayons at home next time Rembrandt.

2. Don’t crap until you’re ready

Crapping before you’re ready is a huge mistake.  If Elvis had lived by this rule, he’d be alive today.  You need to wait until it’s about ready to slip out of your ass.  If you’ve got time to go into the bathroom and finish war and peace; if you’ve got time to draw cartoons all over the walls; if you’re in there so long that you fall asleep on the crapper, then I’ve got news for you - you ain’t ready.  And just because you haven’t crapped in three days, that doesn’t mean you’re ready – it means you’re constipated.  Go eat a box of Ex-Lax.  You’ll be ready tomorrow.

3. Eat better food

Some of you are thinking “but if I waited until it was ready to slip out of my ass, I’d never take a dump.”  Understood.  But that doesn’t make it right.  You need to get regular.  The body thrives on it.  You do that by eating better.  Don’t think you can wake up in the morning and get a cup of coffee and a doughnut at the gas station; then eat a Twinkie at break; and then eat a burger for lunch and pizza and beer for dinner.  No wonder you have a log jam in your colon.  Throw a little fiber into your diet - eat some fruit, some yogurt, take a multi-vitamin, etc.  If you still can’t manage, then take a daily supplement.  Psyllium Husks are a great way to cleanse your system.  Turds will be slipping out of your ass in no time.

CONTINUED - TAKING A CRAP

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