4. Don’t strain

Once you’re ready to do the deed, let it happen naturally.  Don’t force the issue.  You can even read a bit while you’re dilating.  Just don’t sit there for hours straining.  Straining is where you do the most damage to your ass.  That’s how Johnny two-ass got his name.  That’s right – strained himself a second anus.  Remember, you’re not giving birth.  No need to bear down and force it out of your ass.  It’s a turd.  Let nature take its course and it’ll slide out naturally.

5. Crap the same time every day

Don’t take a dump at 6:00 a.m. one day, then noon the next, and 9:00 p.m. the next.  Granted, it’s not always easy to burn a mule at the same time everyday.  Sometimes you just aren’t ready until a later time, or you got stuck in traffic, or had to get some work done, or were in a meeting.  Fine.  But after you start eating right, and taking a few supplements to keep you regular, always try and stay on the same dump routine.  Before you know it, your body will automatically let you know when it’s time to drop the kids off at the pool – and it’ll be the same time everyday. 

6. Clean well and often

It’s critical that you keep yourself clean down there.  If you don’t, it can lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which is a smelly ass.  And a smelly ass can lead to a smelly chair.  We once had an old guy in the office who didn’t practice good hygiene.  One poor bastard discovered it the hard way.  When the old guy was out of the office, this guy used his chair.  It was one of those fabric chairs with a cushioned seat.  You know, the kind that soak up all of the sweat, odors, and anything else crawling out of your ass.  The guy sat down on the seat and immediately was engulfed in the most vile, disgusting aroma known to man.  Instead of using the old guy’s name, they started calling him ‘ass rot’.  You don’t want to go through life known as ‘ass rot’.  On the other hand, it is a good way to prevent anyone in the office from using your chair.

Poor ass hygiene can also lead to a rash and an itchy ass.  Still not convinced?  What if I told you 99% of women surveyed cited a man not wiping your ass good enough as the number one cause of not wanting to perform oral sex.  That’s right.  When your woman goes down there and starts to perform oral, and then smells your awful ass aroma, she’ll never go down there again.  Would you?  And the 1% of women who don’t mind?  You don’t want them playing the slobber blues on your bonaphone anyway.  So wipe – multiple times, until you’re completely clean.  Also, if you can, wet the paper to get even more clean.  (No, don’t dip your toilet paper in the toilet to wet it – wet it in the sink Einstein).  Finally, use some sort of ass wipe like Preparation H wipes or even baby wipes, after you’ve done all of the other cleaning.

And one more bit of advice.  Buy black shorts.  White shorts are fine when you’re 8, and your mommy’s doing your laundry.  But you’re a grown man.  Black shorts will hide any evidence that you didn’t wipe your ass good enough.  You don’t want to remind your wife that she married a disgusting pig every time she does the laundry and sees your ass streaks in your white shorts.    

7. Crap in the handicap stall

My apologies to all of my handicapped friends.  You have the best public stalls.  They’re warm and spacious.  Many even have sinks in them.  Often they’re private little rooms.  If the handicapped stall is available, take it.  It allows you the best chance of practicing good hygiene.  In the regular stalls, you often don’t even have enough room to turn around, let alone spread out and do your deed.  I mean how sick is it to cram yourself in to a very small stall and accidentally rub your leg against the side of the toilet, which has piss and crap dripping down the side – or have your legs rub up against the stall walls where some sick bastard wiped his nose goo.  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not be walking around with someone else’s’ waste on my leg for the rest of the day.  If a handicapper is coming, show some class and get out of his stall.  He’s got bigger problems than your ass habits.  Also, leave it clean for him.

CONTINUED - TAKING A CRAP

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