Is Obama A Dork?

Yes, Obama is a dork.  He's a dufus.  He's one goofy son of a gun.  There, I said it.  You know you've been thinking it.  We can all relax now.  It's all out in the open. 

 

It's kind of like the boss with bad breath or body odor.  Everyone knows it, but they're afraid to say it - afraid someone will rat them out.  That's all I'm doing here.  I'm just telling it like it is, keeping it real, telling you what you already know, but are afraid to say out loud.

 

Forget about what you think of Obama politically.  This has nothing to do with politics.  It's all about behavior.  And let's face it, we all judge people by their actions.  You don't let a convicted pedophile around your kids no matter how well the guy talks or dresses.  And when you witness that behavior, you should let everyone know about it.  (No, I'm not saying Obama's a pedophile. If 'pedophile' offends you, then insert 'creepy redneck former President who has sex with interns' instead).  Similarly, it's about time that someone stood up and said what we've all been thinking since Obama was elected: Obama is a goof, a dag, a goober. 

 

And another thing.  Who the hell are these people in the press that talk about how 'cool' Obama is?  I know cool.  I'm cool.  This goofball is definitely not cool.  As a matter of fact, he's the antithesis of cool.  The guys that call him 'cool'?  They tend to be limp-wristed, panty-waisted, metro-sexual, geeks.  They wouldn't know cool if it dropped out of a pigeon's butt and hit them in the face.  Why do you think these guys in the media aren't poking fun at Obama or calling him a dork - because he dresses, talks, and acts just like they do!

 

These girlie media guys scare me.  Remember a few years ago when these same yahoos were trying to convince us how 'cool' it was to be gay?  Now they are trying to convince us it's cool to be a dork.  It's not cool to be gay - it's just gay, and it's not cool to be a dork - it's just being a dork.  What are they going to try and convince us of next; that it's cool to surrender to terrorists?

 

Why is Obama a dork?  Oh, come on.  I don't really have to answer that do I?  You know it, and I know it.  But for the sake of argument, let's look at a few examples.  Don't worry.  I'm not going to talk about how he has ears the size of Dumbo or point out that big ears are a trait of inferior intellect.  I'm not going to go there.  So put down your pitchforks you partisan Kool-Aid drinkers.

 

However, it is fair game to talk about how he dresses.  Let's take his jeans.  I know there's been a lot of discussion about his 'mom' jeans.  You know, the jeans with the crease down the front that look like his mom just ironed them before he went out to play; the jeans that he wears too high on his waist; the jeans with the pleats in front like women wear; the jeans that are halfway up his ankles?  The scary thing isn't that his fashion consultant made an innocent style faux pas during a publicity stop.  The frightening thing is, when Obama goes to relax, when his handlers don't tell him what to wear, that's how he dresses!  A chilling thought indeed.

 

Alright, so he dresses like a dork.  But he also throws like a dork.  Now I don't expect the guy to be Nolan Ryan.  But the media, especially certain white sportswriters who carry Obama's water in yet another feeble attempt to be accepted by black guys and show how 'hip' and 'enlightened' they are, have put forth the idea that Obama is some kind of serious baller - a regular sports guy who fits right in, in any sports setting.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We need look no further than the embarrassing display Obama put on at the baseball all-star game.  Obama worked his way to the mound in an awkward trot (yes, in those ridiculous jeans), a trot that would make Richard Simmons proud, where he proceeded to fluff a sissy ball part way to the plate.  I've seen T-Ball girls with better arms.  Therefore, I think it would be offensive to girls if I said he throws like a little girl, so I'm not going to say that he throws like a little girl, or suggest it in any way.       

 

I'm going to spare you die-hards with the man-crushes on Obama, and not get into his Star Trek references, his love of comic books (he's a grown man for crying out loud), gift to the Queen of England (IPod), his dancing, or how he trips walking into major economic summits.

 

I'm not even going to get into Obama's dorky attempt at being 'one of the guys' by having a 'beer summit' at the White House.  By the way, the only guy at that table who really drank beer was the cop, who coincidentally was the only guy at the table who wasn't a dork.  The bottom line is that no matter how much the girlie men of the media try to convince us that this guy is 'cool', he was a dork before he was President and he'll be a dork after he's President.

 

"Okay, so he's a dork," you say.  "Why does it matter if he's dork?"  Here's why.  Obama is the leader of the free world, and as such, he's got an enormous target on his back by all of the world's bad guys.  In order to ensure the safety of our country, our leader needs to be able to offer up a certain amount of intimidation - intimidation that will make these guys think twice before taking any aggressive action around the world. 

 

Who is this dork going to intimidate -  Ahmadinejad, Putin, Chavez, Castro, Kim Jong Il, terrorists?  Hell no.  The bad men of the world are laughing at this sissified pansy.  They don't respect him.  They snicker at him behind his back.  These guys are the bullies on the beach who throw sand in the face of 99 pound weaklings, and Obama is the 99 pound weakling.  Our dorky leader needs to man-up, order the Charles Atlas bodybuilding course, and stand up for himself and his country.  All we can do is hope and pray that this dork doesn't get us all killed while the media, who are supposed to be objectively critiquing his policies, sit around and marvel at his 'coolness'.

 

I'm not proud of the fact that I had to be the one to step forward and tell you that Obama is a dork.  It's like telling your best friend that you saw his wife having sex with another man.  It's a thankless job; a job that often results in the messenger 'getting shot'.  Consequentially, I expect that I'll soon be audited by the IRS, visited by the Secret Service, and prohibited from traveling to Great Britain.

 

Oh, and many of you on the left may find yourselves in a state of ambivalence at this point.  You're confused about how you could have been so mislead by the media into thinking this guy was cool, you're wondering whether everything you thought you knew is actually wrong, and you're questioning your sexual orientation.  Others of you are boiling over with rage over the gall of a man who dares to standup and recite something other than the company line: 'Obama is cool, the smartest guy to ever walk the earth, the savior', etc.  You're contemplating your next move: try to get me fired, curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb, or go home and kick the cat.  May I make a suggestion that will relieve your anxiety and help you reach a state of enlightenment which thus far has eluded you?  Grow a sense of humor and get over yourself...dork.

 

Franklin Pierce

editor@realmanmag.com

© 2009 Real Man Magazine™

 

Read More Provocative Essays Here, including

Open Letter to the Hollywood Girly Man, and

Raising A Real Man In A Metro-Sexual World