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Scientists:  Defecating Boosts Intelligence for Brief Period

 

By FRANKLIN PIERCE

Science Correspondent, Real Man Magazine

BERLIN, Germany (UP) -- German scientists reported today they discovered a crucial link between intelligence and defecating.  It’s been widely  believed that intelligence was a more or less progressive occurrence, gradually increasing or decreasing over time - for example as one went through school, or as one got very old and lost brain function.  However, scientists have recently confirmed what many had previously hypothesized:  during the process of defecation, intelligence skyrockets for a brief period.  “The intelligence spike may last for a few minutes or simply a few seconds”, said Leopold Von Braun, son of the famous German rocket scientist and who led the lengthy study.  “It depends on the individual and their bowel movements.” 

The scientists involved in the study, conducted over a period of three years at the University of Berlin, cited several examples of the phenomenon at work in both historical and modern day references.  In recent history, they produced a passage from the papers of Albert Einstein where he described his inspiration for the theory of relativity.  Einstein wrote “I had a vague understanding of some sort of relationship between mass, energy, and the speed of light.  But I couldn’t quite put them all together in any meaningful way.  One morning after coffee, I retired to the facilities.  While perched in this relaxed state, it came to me like a vision from the heavens:  E=MC2.  Luckily I wrote it down on lavatory paper, because immediately after leaving the facility I’d forgotten what I’d created.  From that day forward, whenever I needed an answer that was evading me, even as mundane as a telephone number or the location of my keys, I went to the facilities.  And I’ve estimated that in 94.37% of the cases, I received my answer.”

The scientists cited other examples as well.  More recently they found that Al Gore actually created his theory of global warming while defecating.  “It’s no secret really”, says Gore.  “Tipper has always known that when I have a problem, I go to the restroom.  More often than not, I come out with an answer.”  Global warming could not have been more obvious says Gore.  “I actually was experiencing quite a lot of flatulence during that period.  While I was sitting there during one of those bouts, ‘poof’ it came to me:  it’s the gas; not just CO2, but also methane.  I’ve been taking all of my problems with me to the facilities ever since.  It’s made a huge difference in my life.”

The scientists also produced more anecdotal evidence:  carpenters stumped by angles miraculously finding the solution, chefs discovering secret ingredients for new recipes, seemingly impossible crossword clues being solved, and babies uttering their first words, all while defecating.

The scientists’ findings offered glimpses of some guidelines which may help ensure more successful sessions.  First, don’t spend too much time in the facilities.  It seems that basking too long in the aroma of flatulence and waste can actually stymie the intelligence boosting process.  Also, it seems to work best in the morning.  They aren’t sure why.  They believe it might have something to do with the increased brain capacity brought on by meditative rest and morning rituals.  Finally, it only works once a day.  The study showed that positive results diminished greatly after the first release of the bowels on any given day.

“If these scientists are not nominated for the Nobel Prize, certainly justice does not exist”, said Stephen Hawking, the British theoretical physicist, after reading the details of the study.

Franklin Pierce, Real Man Magazine Science Correspondent

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