A Real Man’s Guide to Farting in Bed – Or, the Art of the Bed Fart

By DR. JACK CRAPPER
Real Man Magazine, Bodily Function Correspondent

We get a lot of women reading our magazine.  They seem to be fascinated by how a Real Man thinks.  Even the women who hate real men can’t stay away from our magazine.  From time to time, I need to warn our feminine friends about upcoming content.  This is one of those times.  Guys, skip the next paragraph – I need a minute alone with the ladies.

Ladies, you’ve probably never noticed, but guys fart.  They fart all of the time.  They fart during the day and they fart at night.  They fart in the morning when they wake up.  They fart when they take a leak.  They fart in the car on the way to work, and they fart on the job.  They farted on each others' heads when they were kids.  They fart in the bathtub.  They fart when they’re having sex.  They fart by themselves, and they fart in groups.  They fart when they eat, they fart when they drink, and they fart when they crap.  They fart while they’re hunting, fishing, and jogging.  They fart when other guys fart, and when they’re the first to fart.  They even fart in their sleep.  They fart.

I hope that clears things up.  That should be enough to dissuade you from reading further.  I’d recommend going to another page and reading something a little less traumatic.  Perhaps you should go read some good old-fashioned, manly advice from Real Man.

Welcome back guys.  Your wives said they’re over at their girlfriends’ houses playing with each other.  They’ll be home later.  You are very lucky men.

A recent study by a graduate student at a top university showed that, of the 1000 persons who participated in the study, 46% of all farts occurred in bed at night.  Furthermore, the study revealed that in 89% of the cases where a woman heard a man farting in bed, the men got no sex that night.  Those are startling statistics and should be enough frighten any man into managing their nighttime flatulence.

Some men haven’t learned the art of the fart, especially when it comes to farting in bed.  When you fart in bed, you need to know the protocol.  You can’t just wind it up and let it go, damn the consequences.  If you take that approach, you’ll be sleeping with the dog on the patio.  And believe me, your dog will teach you a thing or two about farting.  After an hour sleeping with the dog and smelling the foul odors emanating from his awful ass, you’ll be begging your woman to let you back into her warm bed.

I remember a story my uncle told me years ago.  He’d gone to bed.  His wife was still getting ready for bed.  He was anticipating a night of uninhibited sex.  He’d been drinking beer and eating Mexican food most of the day.  When he got into bed, he broke loose with gas that’d been building up all day.  His instincts were to get rid of the smell by fanning the sheets.  So he lifted the sheets and fanned for all he was worth.  After awhile, it didn’t smell bad to him, so he relaxed.  Just then his wife walked into the room.  He pretended he was asleep.  His wife gasped ‘Oh my God’, and walked over to the window and opened it.  She went and slept on the couch.  Guys can be crude, can’t they ladies?  See, I knew you ladies were still reading.

Of course, guys aren’t the only people who fart in bed.  That’s right.  Women also know night time flatulence.  In the movie Good Will Hunting, Robin Williams’ character talked about how his wife used to fart in her sleep.  One time she farted so loud it woke the dog up.  She didn’t even realize she was doing it.  She thought it was her husband.  She could have used a few lessons on bed fart protocol. 

You see, women fart almost as much, but they’re ashamed of it.  So they fart in a covert manner.  They’ll go to the restroom and fart then mask the smell with perfume.  Or they’ll fart in their car or house alone so no one will know.  They’ll even deny they fart at all.  If you ask a woman if they fart, they’ll say ‘no’.  They’re embarrassed by it.  Can you imagine that?  Most men are proud of their farts.

So here’s what you need to know. 

First, try and fart before you get into bed.  I know, easier said than done.  You can’t always plan for an anal eruption.  But it’s a matter of volume.  The more you expel now, the less you’ll have to expel later.

Second, don’t fan the flames.  Keep the covers pinched down tight next to you and around your neck.  This serves three purposes.  First, you won’t have to smell it.  Second, the covers will absorb the smell.  And third, your woman won’t have to smell it.  Within a matter of minutes, the smell is gone.  This is much more effective than taking the sheets and filling the whole room with your nauseating colon odor.

Finally, don’t make a sound.  You don’t want to attract attention to your pre-shit evacuation.  When you get ready to fart, grab an ass cheek to help get the gas out silently.  Just be careful not to shit on your hand.  If you do, you’re in trouble.  And I’m only giving you lessons on farting in bed in this column.  I’m not telling you how to shit in bed or how to get away with shitting in bed.  You’ll have to wait for the next column for that advice.

So there you have it.  Men fart all of the time.  Women fart, but won’t admit it.  Most farting occurs in bed.  So fart before you go to bed, don’t fan your farts, and don’t make fart sounds.  Follow the protocol and you’ll stay out of the dog house and hopefully get into the pussy house much more often.

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